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  • beulah888 3:18 PM on February 1, 2017 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , Feelings, , , , Weather, Wind,   

    A New Wind Is Blowing 

    A New Chapter has begun.  It began with me moving on.  Now, even more settled into my new life in this part of the world, away from cold and ‘dark’, I feel a ‘New Wind’ blowing.

    A New Wind is blowing.  It is a cleansing, friendly, comforting wind.  It is a sweet, scented wind.  It is more than a breeze but not blustery.  It is gentle, sure, refreshing, and uplifting.  This augurs well for this new chapter.

    The prelude done, the wind blows…blows and blows and blows and blows….away… the cobwebs…


    the unnatural darkness…the gloom.  The clouds disperse.

  • beulah888 2:48 AM on August 28, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: choices, Feelings, friends, friendship, , humility, , Mind, , soul, virtue   

    Humility My Booty! 

    O.K.  So I am o.k.  I am in my old home which is new and which, frankly, I should have never left.

    Last night I had a bit of a reflective time with an old friend.  Someone with whom I had not connected in many years.

    Back to back with that I had a discourse cum discussion (are those two words the same?) with my sister on what she terms humility, i.e. (according to her) lying down and letting friends walk all over your back.  In fact she advocates letting your enemies do it too.

    But that just begs the question, what kind of friend would want to walk all over you?

    So today I was thinking:  Why do friends be friends and friends be not friends.  What makes the difference?


    Man in surrender pose

    Sometimes you find you may have to say,  “Hey man, I am your friend.  Ease off!”

    Thing is you might have to say it to someone you thought was a real friend who knew you, and then, KEBAAANG… they start treating you like if you are the enemy, and behaving as though they themselves are your enemy.

    What turns the tide?  Where do we go wrong?   Is it we made a bad choice in the beginning and was just being fooled or fooling ourselves?

    Or is it just Human Nature and if not ‘Nature’ then “the way of the world”?

    What gives people the right to be friends today and enemies tomorrow?


    Any answers?

  • beulah888 7:40 PM on January 10, 2016 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , , Feelings, future, , , , ,   

    It Is Done 

    It is done! I was evicted by order of Court so that the so-called landlord could sell the Hackney tumble-down.
    Am I angry? Am I bitter? No but no.  It was a relief to finally get out of there.  For good.
    Some places and some situations are gladly left behind even if what lies ahead is blurred.

    So I’m off in the blur and feeling  like a prisoner set free.  Amazing how a “change  is as good as a cure”.

    Whatever happens, I am at peace.  My sojourn in that place and, perhaps too, in Hackney, has been an expensively irksome detour on my life’s journey.  For surely, such of my life’s highs or lows as were deemed necessary by the Gods could have been accomplished somewhere more palatable?  I mean, Gods I ask you, what was the point to some of the zombies and other detritus?  Had it been a film I would have switched channels.  The apparent needlessness of it would have numbed my brain.  As it was, it was not a film, nor a dream yet I feel numb; because life is not a dream nor a film and I can make no sense of it.  All I can say is my old placebo (is that how you spell it?) “The God’s will have their fun”.

    Yes. I truly pray that they are so pleased with the fun they had, that they are sated and will consider the next Acts and Scenes of my life to be as a bed of Roses with no thorns.

    I am fatigued. Nay, beaten.  Not by Life, but by Life’s Controller.

    It is done.

    I appeal to the Gods.

  • beulah888 4:52 AM on July 9, 2014 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Ageing, Feelings, Inertia, Mid-Life Crisis, , Try To Remember,   

    Boredom – The Heavy Duty Killer 

    Today I am bored stiff.  Stiffer than an hundred year-old corpse.  Though mind you, an hundred year-old corpse is probably all dust.

    I am bored shitless, shirtless and shiftless.  I want a job and every time I seem close to getting one I either get really ill or I don’t get the job.  All I can successfully do (by comparison) is volunteer.  It is a psycho’s somatic factor.  And it comes about through Boredom, and possibly the ennui for  the proffered possibilities.

    My career, or any hopes of one, is all down the drain and I know it; and cannot summon the artistry to pretend, far less to believe, otherwise.

    Art, performance art is my thing, though I also like to paint and so on, but I have taken all sorts of jobs and work (except prostitution) to get on and get by and get ahead.

    Truly?  I get on then am shoved off.   I get by, and “by-and-by” I get moved on; and even as I try to get ahead I get passed over.

    So now,I have given up.   Yet I have to keep trying for the sake of the “Benefits” and because of the Heavy Duty Killer.  Boredom.

    Bored off my ass and tits, my drooping mammary glands that have seen firmer days.

    Remember those days?  When grass was green and…….

     You’d get up in the morning  gung-ho for the day even though you’d gone to sleep late, your head  teeming with ideas and optimism, your blood full of alcohol and your system turning over at full speed from a quick lay?


    Try to remember…….

    When going into work was something to look forward to and the pay-check was a bonus moreso than a necessity ’cause you knew how to enjoy work and have fun and not give a toss about stuff…..?

    And compare it with now.

    Back then, the “now”, was something quickly gone in a snap of the fingers.

    Now, it is something spent languishing in an endless spasm of languor and lassitude.

    A heavy lump of Boredom sets in and upon us.   Inertia.  An object of weight that is not formed of regret, but rather of emptiness.

     Of a lack of complete satisfaction in the here and now.

    I know I have no pension to speak of.  I know my health is not like it was 27 years ago.   I know I can’t dance from Dusk ’til Dawn, get two hours kip and bounce up ready to sock it to the world.

    I know my hair is turning grey, but, in the here and now, I still have the zip and zap and a modicum of pap (or is it sap?) and still would like the excitement and upliftment of not just functioning, but living.

    Of having that something in life, apart from life itself which is worth savouring.  Not love.  I have, fortunately, love and a love.

    No. Rather that ‘something extra’ as Halifax* would say, that one used to get from the job, the career.  The X factor of all X factors once  the basic boxes have been ticked.

    Still have the vim and va-va-voom, but no where to expend it?   The Heavy Duty Killer sets in on you -BOREDOM-

    Unlike anything youth can imagine.


    If only I had something to DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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